People talk about how hard it is to write Sex. Romance is actually far more difficult. Sex is simply a sequence of ACTIONS: “He did this, she reacted, and then did this in return…etc.” Romance, on the other hand, is a psychologically based sequence of actions for gaining the trust needed to attain Intimacy.
Someone skilled in the arts of Romance is not necessarily demonstrating Love!
* Romance: A manipulation technique designed to make someone receptive to Sex, the motive behind Romance is LUST.
* Love: When someone’s happiness means more than your own, the motive behind Love is AFFECTION.
To many people, Romance means ‘showing love’. That’s not true. You show love by protecting the ones you care for with the intent to ensure their lasting happiness. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re nice to them. Romance is about being nice to the point that they’ll let you have sex with them. Make sure you SHOW the difference!
The Ritual of “May I…?”
Romance is a ritual dance of Query / Answer on the path toward Intimacy. An interested party makes a Query, they hold out their hand. If the other party grasps that hand voluntarily, then they have Answered in the positive and the next Query, the next step toward Intimacy may be presented. Each positive answer received implies that a request for more intimate contact may also be accepted.
Defining the Twelve Stages of Intimacy
1. Eye to body. “What have we here?”
He sees her, she sees him. If she turns toward him, in even a small amount, that is his cue that he may approach.
2. Eye to Eye. “I find you interesting.”
He looks at her. She looks at him. If she smiles, this is his cue that he may speak to her and introduce himself. If he stares too long without speaking, he implies that she is an object being assessed for use. If she perceives this she may turn away to deny continuing contact.
3. Voice to Voice. “I’d like to know you.”
He introduces himself. If she responds with a smile and friendly conversation, then he is well on his way to closer contact.
4. Hand to Hand. “I like you.”
First contact. He holds out his hand. If she accepts his hand and smiles, she has given permission to take the next step.
5. Arm to Shoulder. “May I touch you?”
First Body to Body contact. He sits or stands next to her. If she stays close, he may proceed to put his arm around her shoulders. If she moves away, then he must go back to Stage 3 to establish trust.
6. Arm to Waist. “May I have you?”
Placing his arm around her waist is a potent and very important step. All contact beyond this point is Sexual in nature. Arm to waist contact is also a territorial signal to others that this person is Taken. It is at this point that she decides if she wants to be intimate with him – but she does NOT let him know this.
7. Mouth to Mouth. “This is how I intend to treat you.”
The kiss. First sexual contact. How someone kisses implies how they intend to make love. It is not unusual for a Heroine to flee after a kiss that is too controlling or possessive. If this happens, he will need to retreat all the way back to Stage 3 to rebuild trust.
8. Hand to Head. “Will you trust me?”
He touches her hair, her face, her mouth with his fingers. If she allows this, she is giving her ultimate trust. Grasping the hair and/or the face gives the holder complete control. If he has a tight enough hold, she will not be able to escape without a fight and possibly harm. By allowing this contact, she gives permission to allow all other hand contact with her body.
9. Hand to Torso. “I want more…”
Heavy petting normally begins with the clothing still on. The intent is to excite her into voluntarily opening her clothes and exposing her skin for more intimate contact. If he starts at the top of her body, head, neck, shoulder, breast, stomach…etc. stroking her as one would a pet, then he shows an acceptable level of affection. If he immediately digs under her clothes to grab her, BEFORE full intimacy has been established, she will assume he sees her as an object he intends to use and throw away.
This is the point where most rapes begin, so females tend to be hyper-aware of their partner’s actions during this stage. If she is not 100% comfortable with his actions, she will immediately withdraw. If he reacts with anger, she’ll assume that she is in danger and seek to escape using any means possible, after which she will refuse all future contact, ending the relationship. She may also report to every female she knows that he is dangerous.
10. Mouth to Torso. “I hunger for you.”
He kisses her throat, her shoulder, and any other exposed skin. Acceptance of mouth to skin contact implies extreme trust. The mouth is the most dangerous part of the body; it contains the teeth. This is where all remaining clothing is removed and full skin to skin contact begins.
She must be the first to open her clothing to him before any further contact can be made. If he takes the initiative and removes his clothes without her first having opened something to him, then he implies that he is not interested in her readiness, he is there for his pleasure, not hers. If she perceives this, she will immediately withdraw and possibly refuse all future contact, ending the relationship. She may also report to every female she knows that he an extremely selfish lover.
11. Hand to Genitals. “Are you ready for me?”
His hands explore her intimately. His explorations are to insure that she is ready for full sexual possession. (Are her nipples hard? Is she wet?) If she is not ready, he will use his hands and mouth to stir her passions, insuring that she is eager to welcome him and will enjoy what they are about to share.
Taking someone when they are not ready is not only painful, it destroys all trust. Should this happen, she will immediately seek to escape using any means possible, after which she will refuse all future contact, ending the relationship. She may also report to every female she knows that he an extremely poor lover.
12. Genitals to Genitals. “You are mine.”
Full sexual contact implies ownership on a primal level. Once full sexual contact is gained, both partners assume that they may have it again at any time. Making Love implies a relationship. Having Sex implies a diversion, a form of entertainment on the level of a video game. With this one act, she knows for certain if he sees her as a potential life partner, or merely a form of entertainment to be tossed away when a new game comes along.
A Note on Female Costume & Intimacy
The skin exposed, while fully dressed, advertises exactly how fast one is willing to proceed from Skin Contact to Sex.
A female in a low-cut but full-skirted gown states that she will allow some kissing contact (stage 8) but sex must still be negotiated.
A female in a floor length gown that exposes her entire back to the hips is stating that the man who gains permission to put his arm around her, (stage 6) will be allowed sex.
A female wearing very little, short skirt or skin-tight pants, a short top that exposes belly and/or back…etc., is advertising that she will allow sex to the man that gains hand contact, (stage 4).
A female in a skin-tight body suit is perceived as nude, even if the suit covers her from ankle to throat, as there is no impediment to immediate intimate contact. Sustained eye contact (stage 2) is considered a direct invitation to sex.
Color choice is also a factor in readiness for Sexual Contact. Light colors and pastels signal innocence. Bright colors and colorful prints signal playfulness. Dark jewel tones and satin, signal interest but caution. Animal prints, leather, dark velvets, and fur are a sign of sexual aggression.
The Ritual of Male & Female
The stages of Intimacy are fluid. Steps can be rushed, one right after the other, and some may even be skipped. However, skipped steps imply a lack of respect. Skipped steps can also imply a need to Control. These warning signs may not be understood consciously, but be rest assured, subconsciously the other party is well aware of what’s going on.
She meets a suitable young man. They are introduced and he immediately goes to hug her without bothering to offer his hand or speak with her personally. She may not feel that she has a reason to turn him down and so may allow the full-frontal contact. After that, she will refuse to be alone with him; in fact she may avoid him altogether, likely for the rest of the night. She may not even realize she’s avoiding him, but she will avoid him none the less.
Why? Because whether she is aware of it or not, his rush into close physical contact removed all trust.
If the young man is wise, he will find her, hold out his hand and begin again, all the way back to a full reintroduction, preferably with an apology inserted somewhere. If he does not, she will continue to avoid him. She will continue to feel uncomfortable, unsafe and ‘pressured’ by him. She will continue to feel that because she allowed ‘full frontal contact’ he will expect the Next Step in the Dance of Intimacy: a Kiss.
Respect is a Two-Way street.
When a female decides to break the order and jump steps with a potential partner, this tells him that he does NOT have to respect her personal boundaries because she has violated His.
A female that spontaneously kisses a man on the mouth when she does not already know him intimately shows an extreme lack of respect toward him. She is in effect, treating him like an object to be used. This gives him permission to use her any way he cares to, even to the point of taking her right there because her lack of respect for him has removed the need for him to treat her with respect.
The steps in the Ritual of Intimacy allow potential lovers the chance to demonstrate respect for each others’ personal boundaries and encourage Trust to build between them.
* Without TRUST between both parties - Love cannot happen.
* Without TRUST between both parties - Love SHOULD NOT happen.
For All Your Literary NeedsThere Is No Such Thing As A Stupid Question (Ask Box) And So The People Were Heard (submissions)
“…How exactly I would go about writing a ‘romantic/love’ scene?”
Curious about Loving?
What you’re actually asking is the same question asked by everyone in the entire world: “How can you tell when you are loved?”
First of all, don’t confuse Romance with Love. They are two completely different things!
Love vs. Romance ~ There IS a difference!
> Romance – a manipulation technique designed to make someone receptive to Sex. The source of Romance is LUST.
> Love – when someone’s happiness means more than your own. The source of Love is CARING.
To many people, Romance means ‘showing love’. That’s not true. You show love by Protecting the ones you care for with the intent to ensure their lasting happiness. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re nice to them.
“How do you SHOW the difference?”
It’s easier than you think, because you probably already do it regularly without realizing it.
Think in terms of your Pet…
When you want to show how much you care, you stroke them, cuddle them, and play with them. You also feed them, clean up their poop, and make sure they have vet check-ups. You do all of these things to keep them happy and healthy. You do these things to keep them from suffering in any way.
You do the SAME THING with people you love whether they are your parents, your friends, or your children – you hug them, play with them, joke around with them, make sure they’ve eaten, make sure their colds are taken care of, you make sure they are not suffering in any way –- physically or emotionally. You also bitch them out when they’ve done something that could harm them or result in misery.
The difference between these people and a Lover, is that when you are showing that you care for a lover, you use sex to bring them the greatest physical pleasure you can.
Point Blank: Sex is just another form of PETTING.
LUST is a whole other bowl of kimchee.
“How do you write a LOVE scene — as opposed to a SEX scene?”
You write them exactly the same way. The real difference is the MOTIVE.
Love’s motive is Affection.
Lust’s motive is ORGASM.
LUST is a physical urge, like eating when you’re hungry, seeking warmth in the cold, or needing to pee. It is an urge that seeks relief just like all your other physical urges.
If the urgency is great enough, LUST will attempt every dirty trick in the book to get their hands on their object of choice to gain some relief. If that particular object gives them exceptional pleasure, whether it be a dildo, a rubber doll, a super soft sock, or a person, they’ll make sure that the toy is cared for, and in some cases, jealously guarded – so that the toy will still be there (and receptive) when they want to use it again.
The key word here is USE.
> Lust USES others for selfish physical gratification.
> Love doesn’t use, it GIVES.
Love GIVES affection to make their one loved happy.
If something should happen to cause hurt to the one loved, the one who cares is devastated by their FAILURE stop suffering from happening.
Lust TAKES affection to make themselves happy.
Toys have PHYSICAL value, not Emotional value. If their toy should break or refuse to be used, they will be FRUSTRATED and ANGRY, but they won’t think they failed. They’ll think the TOY Failed — and just go out and get another toy.
“What’s the real difference between a Love scene and a Lust scene?”
Very simply: Lust Takes pleasure; Love Gives it.
Jealousy is NOT a sign of LOVE.
When one is jealous, they will do everything in their power to make sure that their lover focuses on no one but them. A common technique used by jealous lovers is isolation, where the jealous lover goes out of their way to chase away all possible threats, up to and including friends and family.
When one is in love, the fear that manifests is Insecurity, the fear that they’re Not Good Enough for their love, that they don’t deserve their love.
Insecurity and Jealousy are often mistaken for each other because they have many of the same symptoms. However, the reasons behind those symptoms are polar opposite.
Jealousy is a sign of possession, of ownership; of the fear that their object will be taken from them and no longer be theirs to USE.
When one is insecure, they’re not afraid that their beloved will be taken because their beloved doesn’t belong to them. It’s the other way around; they belong to their beloved. They’re not afraid of Theft; they’re afraid of being thrown away, of Abandonment.
How do you tell the difference?
When one’s lover sleeps with someone else…?
> A Jealous lover will attack the one their lover dallied with. “How dare you touch him? He’s mine!”
> The Insecure lover will approach their lover directly and plead with them. “Why did you do this? What did I do wrong? Wasn’t I good enough for you?” If their feelings are strong enough, they will ALLOW their lover to keep their toy — because it makes them happy.
Why do some married women ALLOW their husbands to have a Mistress?
Because they LOVE their husbands and want them to be happy. If having a toy makes them happy, they’ll even arrange to get a good quality toy for him.
Note: This happens far more often than you might realize. I have several very good friends who were personally invited to be a paid mistress by the wife of a corporate husband.
Why do married men ALWAYS return to their wives?
Because they LOVE their wives. Anyone else is just a toy to relieve their physical urges.
“I’m not sure I agree with the last bit about mistresses, but that’s mostly because I find myself unable to justify anyone ‘in love’ ever cheating on their loved one - again, because it’s hurtful and selfish, and a way of making yourself feel good, even as it hurts your husband/wife.”
— Not Fond of Cheaters
That bit about Mistresses was merely a point to show that someone who is in love will allow their loved one damned near anything, even if it hurts them — not an endorsement.
Love can be a real b!tch. Once you love someone, no matter what they do to you, you can’t stop loving them. You can only endure it as long as you can, until either they straighten up, or they drive you away.
I learned my lessons through cold hard experience.
“Wow, I always thought Romance was about Love…?”
— Prefers Romance
EVERYONE thinks Romance is about love — because we really, really WANT it to be.
Romance tells us that the Other Person gives up everything for Us, when in fact, the opposite is true. Real Love makes us give up everything for THEM.
When you think about it, Love is a very scary emotion. It makes us give up everything we want, everything we are — for someone else. If they are not worthy of such a sacrifice, it doesn’t matter because we LOVE them and want them to be happy at any cost.
Real Love comes in many different shapes and colors.
A love that looks destructive from the outside, such as Bondage and Domination, could in fact be perfectly supportive and exactly what both lovers need from each other. A good movie that illustrates this perfectly is “Secretary”.
On the other hand, what an outsider may think is positive and supportive might in fact not be love at all. Case in point, stalking was once thought of as being an expression of love. Angry possessiveness can look an awful lot like love when in fact it is a terror tactic designed to isolate the one supposedly beloved.
When a lover asks their beloved to choose between them and anything else, a friend, a pet, or even a hobby, they not interested in their significant other’s happiness. They are ensuring that their toy has no outside distractions and is available for their convenience. A good movie that illustrates this is “Sleeping with the Enemy”.
A lover that yells at their beloved for their destructive habits, such as over-spending, drugs, booze, gambling…is more likely to be showing real love, than a lover that sweetly begs their beloved to drop their plans for going out with their friends for a romantic dinner date with them.
How do you tell the difference?
Measure each action by this question: “WHO benefits from the Results?”
I am firmly of the opinion that if one is going to write about Love, one should really know what it is — and what it isn’t.